


don't leave me alone (hold my hand)

by jaeson



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Insecurity, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:59:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeson/pseuds/jaeson
Summary: “Everybody says so in the comments. I’m too arrogant, I’m not handsome, I’m not talented enough, I’m a burden to the group, I’m too over the top. I – I am not even able to be funny and that’s the only thing I have been able to excel at in my entire life, Daniel, Jesus,” Seongwoo rants, feeling angry at himself because he is not enough and he never will be.





	don't leave me alone (hold my hand)

_“I don’t mean to be rude but every time I see Ong Seongwoo’s face on my TV, I have to switch the channel, his reactions are too over the top, it makes me cringe every time…“_

_“Ong Seongwoo is fucking boring!”_

_“Not even his face makes up for his arrogance, I have hated him ever since his Produce 101 days, he is so fucking average it hurts, stupid fan girls squealing over him when he is nothing much”_

He sighs while reading the comments on his latest article, thousands of people talking about him, fighting about how he is – or rather, isn’t – talented, how his looks are getting worse each passing day, how much they hate his singing, etc. 

Of course there are also a lot of good reviews of his TV show appearances and song covers, Seongwoo appreciates every last one, even going as far as to liking them, but somehow the bad ones are the ones he remembers, the ones he thinks about at night before he falls asleep, mind racing to find ways to please those people too. 

“Ong, can you come here for a second?” Jisung calls out for him from the living room. 

Seongwoo groans quietly, stretching before he jumps down from his bunk bed, putting his phone in his back pocket, and plops down next to the older boy on the couch. 

“What is it?” he mumbles, immediately draping himself over the older boy with a small smile. 

Jisung responds by threading his fingers in Seongwoo’s hair. He plays with his brown locks as he talks about their schedule for tomorrow and asks Seongwoo to take care of waking up Daniel and the younger boys so that Jisung can leave early with their manager to talk with YMC’s director board. 

Somehow Daniel joins them sometime during their talk. He sits down next to Seongwoo, his hand resting on Seongwoo’s waist, long fingers caressing it in lazy, circular motions. 

“Anyway, I’m going to sleep, you guys should too,” Jisung yawns. 

He pats Seongwoo, letting his head down carefully on one of the sofa’s cushion, and disappears into their bedroom, yawning over and over again. 

Seongwoo is about to get up too, he knows that it’s not a good idea to stay up when they have a packed schedule tomorrow, when Daniel takes a hold of his wrist and tugs at it. Although he is not too sure what the younger boy wants, he lets himself be manhandled until his head is resting on Daniel’s lap. 

Daniel grins at him, eyes crinkling cutely. 

“You’re really handsome,” he mumbles while tracing Seongwoo’s features with his index finger softly. 

“Thank you,” Seongwoo snorts. 

“I mean it!” Daniel replies, sounding offended, eyebrows furrowing into a frown. “Why don’t you believe me? It’s really true! You’re handsome!” 

“Don’t worry, I believe you,” Seongwoo sighs as he stands up, suddenly feeling suffocated by the way Daniel is looking at him with worry in his eyes and pursed lips. “I didn’t say it’s not true, I know I’m handsome.” 

This time, as Seongwoo walks away towards their room, mumbling a “good night” under his breath, Daniel doesn’t stop him. Instead Seongwoo can feel Daniel’s eyes following his every move. 

*** 

_“Can someone kick Seongwoo out of Wanna One? He’s stupid”_

_“The brown haired kid singing during the chorus sucks at singing, why is he even in the band?”_

_“Ong Seongwoo is no fun, so boring!”_

It’s 3 a.m. and Seongwoo is buried under several blankets on his bed, his phone tightly clutched in his hands as he reads the comments under one of their videos. 

His chest feels unusually tight while he keeps on reading, anxiety, anger at himself and hurt spreading through his whole body like rapid fire. Useless thoughts cloud his brain, _you should leave Wanna One, you’re being a burden, everyone hates you,_ but no matter how much he wants them to be gone, to disappear, they don’t. 

*** 

Seongwoo is in the midst of recording a show when his insecurities get the best of him. 

Nothing really weird or special happens but when he listens to Daehwi, Jihoon and Woojin yell “No fun! It’s no fun!” Seongwoo can’t help but stay quiet afterwards. Even during the corners where he would normally participate in – like the “thigh grabbing dance” imitation or “special talents” segments. 

The members certainly notice something is up if he goes by the way Jisung sends concerned glances his way or how Guanlin is draping himself all over Seongwoo much more than usual. 

After the filming is over, he immediately disappears to the bathroom, using the excuse that he isn’t feeling too well. As soon as he enters the room, Seongwoo heads towards the sink and splays some water on his face. 

The coolness of the fluid against his skin calms him down enough that he feels ready to face the others again. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Jisung and Daniel ask simultaneously when he enters the waiting room. 

Seongwoo nods, plastering his best fake smile on his face and tells them a very much invented story about how he had suddenly felt his stomach tighten uncomfortably during the show and had had to visit the toilet as soon as possible. 

Even though most of the members seem to believe him, Daniel still catches his eyes. The younger boy looks like he isn’t convinced at all. 

*** 

_“Ong Seongwoo probably thinks he is the most handsome, funniest and most talented human being on earth, doesn’t he? What a jerk, so unlikeable!”_

_“I clicked on this video by chance. After seeing Seongwoo’s face, I can say, he’s ugly!”_

_“After Produce 101 he lost so much weight, his features look really hideous now….”_

Seongwoo stares at himself in the mirror for at least ten minutes, his phone in his right hand. He goes nearer towards the mirror, left hand coming up to touch his _nose, ears, mouth_ , trying to find out what has changed about him that people dislike so much. 

“What are you doing?” 

He flinches involuntarily, surprised at the voice coming from behind him. 

When he turns around, Daniel is leaning against the doorway of their room, head cocked to the side and eyebrows furrowed as he stares at the older boy. 

“Nothing,” Seongwoo mumbles as he looks down at the floor. 

The older boy shrinks in on himself when he feels Daniel watching him and notices that the other will probably not stop doing so any time soon. 

Seongwoo isn’t too sure why but he feels his heartbeat quicken and all of his blood rushing to his cheeks. He feels like an animal at the zoo, Daniel’s eyes burning holes into his head as he stands in the middle of the room. 

Almost ten minutes pass with the both of them staying like that, Seongwoo’s mind racing, ten thousand different thoughts cluttering together in his brain, before Daniel starts to walk towards him. 

The – now – brown haired boy was in front of Seongwoo in a matter of seconds. 

He, without another word, hugged Seongwoo, his left arm wrapping around the older’s waist and his right hand guiding Seongwoo’s head so it was resting in the crook of his neck. 

Seongwoo basks in Daniel’s warmth. He loves the way it makes him feel safe, how all of the anxiety and insecurity almost totally disappears and his body goes lax as Daniel caresses his hair lovingly. 

“You know, for wanting to be an actor some day, you’re a terrible liar,” Daniel whispers. 

He doesn’t reply, not because he doesn’t want to, no, he just isn’t sure if he can – if he is willing to open himself up to Daniel, to lay out all of his insecurities in front of the younger boy. 

Daniel ends the hug sooner than Seongwoo wants him to but he doesn’t distance himself much from the older boy. He still has his arm around Seongwoo’s waist as he eyes Seongwoo carefully, trying to make him speak by himself. 

When Daniel notices it’s not going to happen any time soon, so a quiet sigh escapes his lips and before Seongwoo even knows what’s happening, the other has taken away his phone from him. Daniel unlocks it and reads the comments Seongwoo was looking at before. 

“Seongwoo…” Daniel sounds angry, disappointed, like he had high hopes for him but Seongwoo, once again, wasn’t able to live up to it. 

It makes Seongwoo’s stomach churn. 

“Why are you even reading this?” the younger asks, finally looking up at him. “Is this why you have been acting so strange lately? Because you feel like what they are saying is true?” 

“You wouldn’t understand,” Seongwoo hisses. For some unexplainable reason he feels furious, angry at the way Daniel is treating him like he is some kind of stupid kid. He feels tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I mean, look at you! You’re gorgeous, funny, unbearably adorable on your worst days and are so incredibly talented, everybody loves you and I… I’m not like that!” 

Seongwoo’s hands form into fists. He tries to separate himself from Daniel, tries to calm himself down but _he can’t_ , he is too overwhelmed by this whole situation. 

“Everybody says so in the comments. I’m too arrogant, I’m not handsome, I’m not talented enough, I’m a burden to the group, I’m too over the top. I – I am not even able to be funny and that’s the only thing I have been able to excel at in my entire life, Daniel, Jesus,” Seongwoo rants, feeling angry at himself because he is not enough _and he never will be_. 

“That’s bullshit,” is the only thing Daniel says, it makes Seongwoo snort and roll his eyes. 

“If so many people say it, if so many people hate me, they all must have a point, right?” he replies with a sad smile, the tears he was holding back finally rolling down his cheeks. 

The way Daniel only gapes at him, speechless with no contra argument to his statement, proves to Seongwoo that he is right about this. It proves that his insecurities aren’t coming from some super irrational part of his brain. 

“Anyway,” Seongwoo smiles at Daniel, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his sweater. “I’m going to go out for a bit.” 

*** 

It’s been a long time since Seongwoo was able to go on a walk alone, since he was able to feel the breeze hit his skin softly and make him feel free, make him feel content. As he stares at the trees, bushes and flowers, his anxiousness and guilt for snapping at Daniel starts to cease. 

*** 

When he arrives back at the dorms, the members are all huddled in the living room, eating some kind of noodles. Seongwoo greets them with a smile, declines their offer for him to join them for their planned movie night and retreats back into his room. 

The darkness of it comforts him more than he wants to admit. 

He doesn’t change into his pajamas nor wash up before he climbs onto his bed, exhaustedly face palming onto it, wanting to be asleep as soon as possible – and although he had expected for his face to land onto his pillow, it lands on something rougher, something that Seongwoo knows is not supposed to be there. 

Confused, he sits up, jumps down from the bunk bed and switches on the light. What he sees, when he approaches his bed again, is a white envelope with his name written on it in what he knows is Daniel’s writing. 

*** 

_To: Ong Seongwoo_

_To be honest, I am not too sure what to ~~say~~ write. I am still too surprised by what happened today so I’ll just… write my thoughts as they come to me. _

_I know that right now you’re not in a good place, that you’re feeling insecure because of the comments some people leave on our videos. I also know that you feel like you’re not good, handsome, talented or funny enough._

_So that’s why I want to make you remember a few things._

_I want to remind you that you’re not a burden, that every Wanna One member, every family member of yours and each of your friends love you. I want to remind you that we value you because you are kindhearted, selfless and hilarious. I want to remind you that you are Wanna One’s mood maker, the one who lifts the mood when something is wrong, the one who makes our days a bit easier with dumb jokes and weird facial expressions. Without you, Ong Seongwoo, we wouldn’t be how we currently are, without you we’d be so fucking exhausted every day._

_I mean, of course it’s okay to be insecure, insecurity is almost like an instinct to every human being, but please don’t be too hard on yourself, yeah?_

_Seongwoo… you need to realize that you are unique and, even if not everyone likes you, there are still thousands of people that cherish you and love you the way you are. Please, please notice that you are enough for us and we would never want you to be any other way._

_Don’t let stupid comments prevent you from being wonderful. Forget everything you’re feeling right now and rise above it._

_I know that deep down you know how gorgeous, talented and funny you are but I just wanted to remind you._

_You are beautiful, inside and outside. And I love you, Ong Seongwoo, for being, well, Ong Seongwoo._

– _Kang Daniel_

_(PS: Please don’t ever let the members read this, I will be teased endlessly and I might actually die from embarrassment because this is so cringe worthy, oh my God.)_

_(It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like this about you, even if it is extremely cheesy.)_

*** 

Seongwoo opens the door to his room, Daniel’s letter safely hidden under his blanket, so strongly that it thuds loudly against the wall and bounces back. 

The members, naturally, flinch at the sound that comes from the door, from where almost all are sitting on the couch, and stare at him in shock, mouths wide open and confused expressions on their faces. Jisung, who is peeking his head out from the kitchen, looks like he is ready to scold him but whatever he was about to say, isn’t actually said when he spots the way Seongwoo zeroes in on Daniel. 

Daniel is standing in the middle of the room, eyes furrowed in surprised, and a spoon in his mouth. Seongwoo knows he was probably returning to his seat from the kitchen – the Nutella in Daniel’s hand is pretty helpful clue to figure that one out. 

Seongwoo doesn’t even hesitate before he starts walking towards Daniel and literally barrels into him, his arms wrapping themselves around Daniel’s back. 

The younger boy is obviously taken aback, an incoherent shout leaving his mouth, but he luckily manages not to drop the Nutella jar and stop the both of them from falling onto the floor at the same time. 

“What?” is all that Daniel manages to ask. 

Seongwoo, though, doesn’t respond. He basks in the warmth that Daniel’s body emits, willing himself to calm down enough for him not to start crying in front of everyone because, well, Daniel is such a nice human being and he cannot believe how lucky he is to have him in his life. 

When the younger boy realizes that the older is really not going to say anything, he just caresses Seongwoo’s hair with one hand and starts to waddle, with Seongwoo still holding onto him, back to the kitchen. He leaves the Nutella jar on top of their dinner table and, finally, wraps his now free hand around Seongwoo’s back, drawing soothing patterns on Seongwoo’s skin. 

Jisung looks at him worriedly, pointing at an unknowing Seongwoo and mouthing an “is he okay?”. Daniel nods his head and, once again, starts to waddle to his room. 

*** 

Seongwoo doesn’t let go of him even when they finally arrive at their room and the door is closed behind, he still clings onto Daniel as if his life depended on it, head buried into the crook of Daniel’s neck. 

“So you read the letter huh?” Daniel asks, a smile forming on his lips, as he moves them towards his bed. 

“Yeah…” Seongwoo whispers into Daniel’s neck. “I’m sorry for… you know… letting it all out on you even though it wasn’t your fault, like at all. I’m…. I really feel bad about it, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” he replies. 

Seongwoo lets go of him then and stares at him. Daniel lets him do so, he grins at him encouragingly, waits for Seongwoo to be able to say what he needs to, to be able to express what he is feeling without being rushed. 

“And thank you,” Seongwoo finally manages to say. “What you said… It helped a lot. I appreciate it.” 

This time Daniel is the one who doesn’t respond. 

Instead, he sits down on his bed and tugs at Seongwoo’s arm so that the other follows his actions. 

When the both of them are on the bed, he manhandles Seongwoo until he is lying down on the bed and has a blanket covering his body – the surprised, confused look on Seongwoo’s face is priceless, Daniel can’t help but smile. 

Daniel turns off the light with his foot before he joins Seongwoo under the blanket. 

Without saying anything, Seongwoo scoots closer to him in his bed, his legs intertwining with Daniel’s and his head only inches away from the younger boy’s own. 

“I love you,” Daniel whispers into the room, knowing that Seongwoo is listening to him. “You’re really funny, your voice is beautiful and you’re handsome, too. There’s really no way not to love you.” 

Although Seongwoo doesn’t laugh loudly or start to chuckle at his comment like he usually would, he still smiles at it, a tiny, warm smile that Daniel knows only comes out when it’s the two of them, when Seongwoo is just being himself without having to be this or that to please others. 

“I love you, too, Kang Daniel,” Seongwoo replies. 

Daniel laughs and then, after finding Seongwoo’s hands under the blanket and interlocking their fingers, leans in to kiss Seongwoo’s forehead softly. 

**Author's Note:**

> ongniel ongniel ongniel
> 
> so yep, this was it! thank you for reading this and any feedback you leave in the comments will be appreciated! 
> 
> also if you have any requests my tumblr is ongsniel.tumblr.com and my twitter is @onghwangism


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